Final Semester Blog Post 2 - Set Up and Energy Struggles

This week has been so hectic and exhausting that I completely forgot about this Blog Post!! Even when I put it in my planner. I just. . .forgot. Ugh. I hate forgetthing things. It's not something I normally do, you know?? I just feel so exhausted for no apparent reason, and it's frustrating, because I really want my final semester to go well, and I should have lots more energy now, because I only have two classes, instead of my usual five classes. And yet, I can barely find it in myself to eat, let alone get up and do homework. It's upsetting. My therapist says it's burnout from my entire college career. I'm not sure about that, but it does give at least some form of explanation. I should have no right to be this tired or out of it, though. I mean, think about it. I'm not doing much, both inside and out of class. I just feel like a lot of what I do is just kind of. . .unhelpful. My group keeps telling me my schedule and other lists and stuff are needed and necessary, but they seem to do just fine without them, from what I can tell. . .I feel bad. I'm not even particularly depressed. I'm quite happy honestly. I just have no energy and I don't know what to do about it. I've been getting myself up and making myself eat and sleeping on time and doing my work and yet just the bare minimum of self care and work feels like I need to sleep for a week afterwards. Not to mention I completely missed the due date for this Blog Post!! That is not supposed to happen!! Mack does not miss due dates!! I wish I could figure out a way to make this easier, and give myself more energy.

I've been working on getting all our docs set up and prepared for this final semester, and I really want to work on my animation scenes, to make sure they look good and match up with the rest of the film and its style of animation. But I just worry that complare to the others, like Lila and Isabel, my animation is lacking. I take so much longer than they do on even the smallest things, and Seed really needs a better skip cycle in that one scene I did. I'm going to try and make sure next class period I get at least some of it done. I need to focus on the animation so that I don't fall behind. I already feel behind my group members because I haven't been doing anything but building a schedule. And I'm worried that I just tell people what to do without doing any of it myself.

Not to mention the stress of trying to get a job. I want to get a job straight out of college. Immediately. As soon as possible. Because that way I'll be able to just move to a new area with my new place or whatever, and I can start my own little life. I'm scare of what will happen if I have nothing to do after college. I just want the stress of getting a job to be over by the time the semester ends, so I can go from one milestone to the start of the next. But it's so hard, finding things, figuring out what to do, how to do it, people to talk to, etc. And my professors say that they'll help at some point, but they keep pushing it off, when I would like help now, or at the very least a list of names to contact by next week. I don't know. It just feels like I'm not worth giving any of that information to, I guess. People keep looking at me like I should have everything all figured out, but I don't. I really don't. I'm a mess honestly. I just want life to be simple. I just want a Production Assistant role to fall into my lap, but that won't happen, because that's not how jobs work. So I have to actually go through the terrifying process of working on it and doing all the hard work myself. Not to mention that all the jobs list things like "five years previous experience", or "three years of a job in this field". It SAYS entry level!!! That is not entry level!!!

This semester was supposed to be easier, simpler, less hectic than all my other ones, and while it is, I now find myself completely and utterly exhausted by things outside of the school semester itself. I wish I could figure out how to get more energy, so I have the ability to go to class and feed myself. It's stressful. I've resorted to eating a whole jar of peanut butter this week as dinner one night. Why is food so hard. Even speaking feels hard. Words can form in my head, yeah, but like. . .getting them to come out of my mouth?? No worky. Ugh. Spending time alone with relaxing things is about all that helps, and it doesn't even really give me any energy back, it just keeps it from draining more. I wish I had a magic food or thing I could do and automatically have the ability to actually function properly. Why is energy such a hard resource to come by?? I dunno.

My point being, I am going to make sure I put a lot of work into my animations this next week. I'm hoping to see some decent progress in my own stuff at the very least. Though I can't focus on myself too much as I gotta check in with the others and make sure they're all on track and doing okay. I don't want them to think I'm not doing my job anymore. This would be so much easier if it were an actual job and I had actual job parameters, haha. But it is not. It is supposed to be vague. It is supposed to be a struggle. It is supposed to be a learning experience. So I cannot complain too much about these things that I don't like. Everyone has to do things or deal with things that they don't like, so it's fine. I'll get there. Focusing on one thing at a time helps, instead of trying to think of multiple at once. So I will go step by step, one thing at a time, and eventually, the end of the semester will come, I will have done a good job on our film, I will have at least made progress in getting a job, and I will be less stressed. Maybe. I hope.